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May. 18th, 2008 @ 09:27 pm Did I know how to save a life.
 I didnt feel like this one should be joined with the last one.
Idk.
Its weird.

I have so many mixed emotions about graduating.
I want an apartment or condo or something. But I think I need to wake up and realize that I cant afford that and wont be able to for awhile.
I dont want to think about Em leaving right now. Or Paige or just anyone. Im gonna be so totally lost and alone.
Its gonna be bad. Im pretty sure I will cry harder than I ever have right after graduation. Im losing EVERYONE. Im losing EVERYTHING.

Im losing my mind.

One of my strongest friends posted an entry today about how she felt about leaving and what not.
It was kinda soothing to know that someone like her could be straight up freaking out about all of this, too. Someone who has everything planned out--who seems to be know exactly what God is doing in her life and why.. The fact that im semi calmed by this may be royally screwed up but oh well. She'll understand because that's just how she is. I think I look up to her more than anyone else. But im also jealous of her. Which is horrible..because I think thats why I seem to be pushing her away. 

Im losing my mind.

The Y is holding my check.
And I have Los Compadres and Zios on Thursday.
And Astros tomorrow.
And I have 40 bucks for gas for 2 weeks.
Idk what to do. 
Its not like Ive been blowing money. The last thing I bought was gas.
(im beginning to understand the hopelessness he felt. like nothings going right and idk why)

Im losing my mind.
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May. 18th, 2008 @ 09:10 pm klew;fjio2jm32l.jwemrio/;2
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Oasis

I had my first  anxiety attack in years last night, in the middle of my graduation party. It sucked.

I was replaying a conversation I had with a friend on Friday, & remembered how at one point I told him all I had was a month left before I was gone. But then, as I was thinking this over, I realized it wasn't true; I only had three weeks left. And the realization hit me full force, and my stomach twisted up in a knot and I began to get nauseated and suffocated and freaked out and could hardly breathe or think & any sense of joy was nonexistent.



....so all day today, I've been in a depressed state. Because I. Am not. Ready to go.

The problem:

God doesn't care. He's ready for me to go.




Plus, I've been slipping up lately. And the problem is if I had the opportunity to make all of those mistakes again, right now, tonight, tomorrow, next week...I would. And I realize now that God knew this was going to happen months ago, when I was first applying for this internship. Which is one of the many reasons He orchestrated it to where I would be leaving at this time. So He can extract me from my life here, put my entire world on pause, and bring me hundreds of thousands of miles away to break me & then rebuild me, refresh me, strengthen me, & reteach me in a place where I don't have the sin, temptations, or people that I have here. I'm scared in ways you cannot understand, I'm sad and depressed beyond possible expression, & I have absolutely no desire to go. But I know it's God's will, & I know it's what I need. 

So all I can ask of you guys is this:

A, to keep tabs on my myspace. I don't know how often I'll be able to get on, but I hope to update on there w/ blogs often. 

and most importantly, to not forget me.
While I'm hours and hours away, in a whole nother world, & you guys are still here, carrying on with your lives, moving on, growing, experiencing, don't forget me.




It's only two months.

Wait for me.






 

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May. 18th, 2008 @ 08:59 pm GAHHHHH JUST TEXT MEEE
Current Mood: anxious
 I love it when Kathleen makes me cd's. They are seriously the best.



...in regards to music, I find myself picking up weird habits.

For a few weeks, I'll go through a stage where all I wanna do is listen to upbeat, funky stuff and just jam out & dance. Another few weeks, all I want is chill & acoustic. Some weeks, I can't even stand to listen to music. I have to keep the stereo off, & I feed off of the quiet hum of the car on the road & the drivers passing by me [this is usually when I have an insane amount on my mind]. Other times, like now, I can't do anything but blast music from my stereos, sometimes listening to it silently, but most of the time screaming along at the top of my lungs. It's times like this when I have a lot on my mind as well. The only difference between this and not listening to any music at all, is that when I drown myself in the blast of the speakers, I don't have to analyze or wonder or even think at all. I just sing.
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May. 18th, 2008 @ 03:39 pm Best Grad Present: My Lingerie from Nhi
Current Mood: anxious
 

Today was an extremely exhausting/upsetting day, & right now, I just want to be in my room, alone. 
PRIVACY, ya know??

But instead, my grandma is in here, laying on my floor next to me, talking to me and reading EVERY FREAKinG graduation card I got. A, this is the 2nd time she's found me when I didn't want to be found. B, those are MY cards...don't you think they might be a little personal?


...haha whatever. I'm annoyeeeed. Justwantsomeprivacy.



My phone just beeped w/ my third text message from RB in the past 15 hours. All of which I was hoping were from a certain somebody else, and none of which I responded back to.
I'm gonna kill him if he keeps this up.


I've got so much to say, but don't really know how to say it.



 
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May. 17th, 2008 @ 02:40 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: anxious-excited
Man, 




I am so stinking excited for tonight.

:]
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May. 17th, 2008 @ 12:01 am (no subject)
took me about 2 mins to replace me homecoming pic i have in my room
with the amazing one with kaycie

im sure shazi would be glad to hear that

i just saw her
we were being friends

i felt so old
i saw natalie and lauren it was kewll

anyways tomorrow should go good. ppl goin to the show
hopefully its a tab bit better

and otherwise im goin to paiges afterwords

im sure we will have fun
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May. 15th, 2008 @ 09:44 pm 05/15/08 Homepage Spotlight
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May. 15th, 2008 @ 09:40 pm 05/15/08 Homepage Spotlight
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May. 15th, 2008 @ 09:34 pm 05/15/08 Homepage Spotlight
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Share successful, disastrous or otherwise amusing food stories, photos and recipes.
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May. 13th, 2008 @ 11:59 pm FML
Current Location: Shithouse America
Current Music: SMFD Johnson.
So, parents just tripped on me because i "havent been being responsible like i used to be" mainly because i havent been goin to first period, just sleepin til bout 730 then goin. Mind you my first period is Advanced Floral Design which consists of me waking up, getting dressed goin to that class and passing right back out, we have no work in that class. the girls sit there and gossip and i sleep.

Why they are trippin about this? Possibly the alcohol, but drunken words are sober thoughts and i have no idea where they get there beef with me from. Its kind of bullshit and i rarely get pissed off but i just walked up stairs and took down an 8th of tequila with forbes and now we have started on some bacardi gold rum which i have had bad experiences with in the past. but FUCK it  and FUCK my parents.

Honestly, what is so terrible about getting your ears pierced? They tripped out as soon as i said the word pierced. i wish you were there to see it, and if you dont believe me that they were trippin on me for a good half hour go ahead and ask forbes.


They had no valid points as to why i had to get my truck fixed, i bumped into Heath Morris a few weeks ago and my mother claims " It looks like someone took a can opener to your front bumper" and " How do you think it looks if your bumper is getting dragged around town?"  On the real, Shut the fuck up.

I dont understand why every nook and fuckin cranny that is scratched on my truck has to be fixed immediately after damage. And they make me pay for it.

they are tellin me what to do with my own damn money, personally my thoughts are if you want me to get it fixed so damn bad why dont you fuckin pay for it. because while im paying for that truck to be fixed i will take as much time as i damn well please on getting it fixed when it has a fender bender.

MIND YOU, Keyle never gets in trouble for a damn thing, never gets talked to about any of her little mishaps i guess because she is Daddys little girl and she can not do wrong. She has not been accepted nor applied to college yet and she hasnt got the results back from her recent or might i say only SAT's ever taken. I have applied and been accepted into a Division 1 college.

I would understand if i was skipping Algebra 2 or Pre-cal or something important every mornin but im not, i am skippin a blow off elective and i already have enough credits to graduate. My feelings on this matter is anyone who gives a fuck about floral design or the idea of me attending or being on time for this class can suck my dick.

BEND OVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.


UPDATE later, boutta get tore up on a Tuesday night because i can, oh yea and because i dont give a fuck. Teehee BLOW ME RENTS.
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May. 12th, 2008 @ 11:01 pm "Your eyes were glowing"
Current Mood: glowing?
 
But I ain't givin' up quite yet,
I've got too much to lose

Hold me down, sweet and low, little girl.
Hold me down, sweet and low, and I'll carry you home.
Hold me down, sweet and low, little girl.
Hold me down and I'll carry you home.

...
She said, when that day comes,
Look into my eyes.
No one's giving up quite yet, 
We've go too much to lose.

And you say your fine,
But you're still young
and out of line.
When all I need is to turn around,
To make it last, to make it count.
I ain't gonna make the same mistakes that put my mama in her grave,
I don't wanna be alone.


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May. 11th, 2008 @ 09:37 pm (no subject)
i plan to be amazing and hopeful

sent out grad invitations today
with my lame-o senior picss

i think candice wanted one so i should go print one for herr


if any1 else cares to have one let me knoww

odd to me she asked for onee
whatever

i want my prom pics to come in
i want to put it in this frame i have and sit it on bed

weekend was ight
i supposee

that is all i suppose

i might sleep soon
yay ap test

nott
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May. 10th, 2008 @ 05:53 pm Sara Slimp
Current Mood: esctatic
 
Things I am Extremely Excited About Right Now:

-Graduation
*Graduation party
-Senior Sunday
-Prom in Tyler, TX
-LOST Party
*Midnight Premier of Indiana Jones w/ Marcus & CJ
-My speech @ graduation, which I haven't even begun 



Goooosh. Am I excited about PR? no. Am I dreading it? no. I am simply...a bit fearful. About what? Leaving the country? no. Being by myself? no. Spending my last summer away from the people I love more than life? ding ding ding. 




FOr all of my fellow graduating seniors: Don't buy me a graduation present, bc chances are I'm not gonna buy you one. Haha, sounds terrible but I really don't see how I'm gonna be able to afford buying everyone a present. Just doesn't seem possible. 


Today was my last 9-hour shift @ QLS. Never again will I have to drag myself out of bed at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning, after getting only a few hours of sleep, and crawling to the gym to work until 5 in the afternoon, surviving off of endless cups of coffee and Daryl's strange sense of humor.

*sigh*

Tuesday's my last day.
Bittersweet, not gonna lie.




I got the nicest phone call from this new girl named Leslie who just started working @ QLS a few weeks ago. Like, by far, one of the nicest people I have ever met. She said a bunch of stuff about how she knew I was leaving QLS next week, & loved me to death, & really wanted to keep in touch, so give her a call sometime & we'd go get coffee, etc etc. Haha, like literally the last thing I ever expected. I mean she was really cool, but we rarely got a chance to talk bc she worked front desk & we never had the same hours. I dno, this is pointless telling all of you, it just made me feel really good.


Mmm.

This is crazy guys. We've waited our whole lives to graduate, & it's here in less than a month.

 
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May. 9th, 2008 @ 03:12 pm 05/09/08 Homepage Spotlight
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May. 9th, 2008 @ 03:08 pm 05/09/08 Homepage Spotlight
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May. 9th, 2008 @ 03:07 pm 05/09/08 Homepage Spotlight
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May. 8th, 2008 @ 11:45 pm (no subject)
Current Music: Hope: Who Am I To Say
I leave in exactly one month from today.
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May. 8th, 2008 @ 07:21 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: tormented.



 flka;eiwoajmkgl/23mi13o'qvwjamglm;431k[

`1JGKWOWwio'32ikm:#FEO

GPVBDFJK

DKDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

 

 

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May. 7th, 2008 @ 05:49 pm May News
V-Gift for Charity

This month is Mental Health Awareness Month, so the LiveJournal team is offering users a chance to support the Depression and Bipolar Alliance, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping improve the lives of those suffering from mood disorders. Proceeds from purchases of the Emerging Sun v-gift during May will be donated to the DBSA, so feel free to buy one. Or, if you really want to rack up some good karma points, get a bunch!

And don't forget: Mother's Day is this Sunday. Be a dear and check out the v-gifts shop. Send something that'll make her smile.


L to R: Emerging Sun, #1 Mom, Gift Basket, Chocolates, A Dozen Red Roses

Brand-Spanking New, Contest-Winning Themes

We know how you salivate over the prospect of new themes, especially when they're designed by users with a unique handle on both form and function.


L to R: Shiny, River at Night, Live and Learn, Vector Drips.

( Winners of the HP 'What Do You Have to Say?' Theme Design Contest )

Advisory Board Nominations

We'd like to remind you that the nomination process for LiveJournal Advisory Board user-representatives has begun. If you think you're fit for the job, now's the time to nominate yourself! After all, you're the only who can do it. In two weeks, on the 22nd, the voting process will begin; we'll remind you about it again here.

If you're interested in keeping up with the nominations, watch [info]lj_election_en. We'll post the results and announce the winner by the end of the day on May 30th. The new user-representatives will be seated on June 1st. Further details can also be found in [info]lj_2008.
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May. 5th, 2008 @ 03:28 pm (no subject)
Current Music: What'll I Do
maybe if im her friend one day she will love me
maybe if im weet one day she will love me
maybe if i am perfect one day she will love me
maybe if  i can give her everything she wants one day she will love me
maybe if i spoil her with unending love one day she will love me
maybe if she sees how torn up i am over her one day she will love
maybe if i am always honest one day she will love me
maybe if i dream of her every night one day she will love me
maybe if i try to be everything she wants one day she will love me

maybe she already does
but maybe she is scared

but maybe i am already too late
because maybe she has found that guy and it isn't me

maybe one day i will be

BUT, what im sure about is everyday i will love her, and an ounce of her love is amazing and i could spend my lifetime on what she has already let me enjoy. but i would gladly enjoy more than a lifetime with her , if maybe she would allow it...

Just Maybe..
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